So my birthday is on tuesday but is not looking to exciting--my parents are going to my brothers bball game in wrightstown so looks like im spending my bday at home by myself :(Oh well..no big deal, its only 17.

Wow I havent updated in awhile.
Alot has happened but I dont think anyone really cares.
So I'll just start with yesterday.
Well Saturday Kyle and I went shopping in Appleton, but we didnt talk all the way there because we had a fight the previous night.
When we got there we were fine though, idk we are wierd like that. So we bought what we bought and headed home, but I accidently took a wrong exit. But anyways, when we got back on track, we were going through kellnersville and we had been fighting on the way home too (who knows why) and he goes "Can I go visit someone" and I knew it was Kelly so of course I said "If you want to" and he headed to the cemetary. He pulled up on the side of the road, got out, and searched for her grave. I started to cry. I felt so bad, whenever I have a fight with him I always tink of Kelly..like I feel that I'm not supposed to be with him, or if she never died that she would be with him and that she wouldnt treat him badly like I sometimes do. So basicly all that was running through my mind, plus the fact that I felt like he missed her because we were fighting or something so thats why he went to the cemetary. He finally came back in the car and said he couldnt find it...
He noticed I was crying and apologized for going there, I still cried all the way home. When I got home he followed me into the house and told me he just wanted to see her grave and it wasnt because of anything I did. He said to me "If you think I miss Kelly, imagine how much I would miss you if you died, I would dig a grave right next to yours"
I just dont know how he is so strong. I dont know how it doesnt tear him up inside sometimes. I cant stop thinking about her lately either. I even had a dream about her last night. It was like a year after her funeral and they brought out her casket again and had it open..and it was her body and her face and hand was all screwed up. Taylor was with me..she touched Kelly's left hand. Then Kelly's l eft hand touched her right hand. Then she started talking outloud to us..but I cant remember what she was saying. Then we screamed for someone to come over and look, but we looked at eachother and knew that Kelly would stop talking if someone else came over. Then I woke up. I dont know what it means..
I just needed to get this off of my shoulders..its hard to talk to kyle about it because I'm afraid it will make him sad..and I dont want that. But I will have to talk to him about it soon..
Sorry for writing so much..I just needed to get this out.

I wish I could talk to her..like tell her im taking care of him..or something. anything. But it wont ever happen. Until I die.

Im so tired, I had vball tonight 7-9. Tony..I'm sorry, because I was planning to come to your surprise bday party cuz ur sis called me..but then of course vball took over :( I will make sure to burn you the new silverstein cd though, and bring it to your house and we can hang out or get coffee or something :). Anyways..not much new here..just that Kyle has a twisted vertebrae and hes been like coughing up blood and he thinks its nothing..and it makes me mad because its really not good. Im excited for xmas though..I like giving presents. I gave megan her present today cuz i was her secret santa and she happened to be mine too ha. Mrs Rose got me a new sketchbook and a package of pencils, charcoal, etc. I thought that was really nice. I have like 4 get togethers to go to in 3 days so its gonna be a busy one this year. but..

Matt- We'll find a time to jam..i think. haha.
Preston- Idk if you will get this but I'll call you tomorrow (Fri) when I'm done cleaning and we can go ice skating!!
Karissa-Call me when you and Kaitlyn wanna go ice skating :)

Okay Im out for tonight. Love you all and merry christmas if i dont talk to you

So I had Jr. Leadership today at the police/fire stations, and we were at the police station for about 2 hours when Roncalli called to say that school was being cancelled. Then the head lady person called all of our schools to tell them we were coming to school. But Bre,Julie,Steph and I weren't gonna go so we just skipped and hung out at my house instead while all you suckers had school hehe. Pretty much I'm hoping for another day off.

my dad said i was effing frustrating tonight. (as I was wrapping his X-mas present) I love you too dad.

So..I have a hardcore headache and I'm going to bed.

Ttyl bitches.

<3

Okay so I clean the house for my mom. She never told me how often I was going to do it however. But I cleaned last week during the middle of the week so come this week the house wasn't even ready to be cleaned again. YET, i get a lecture on how I am supposed to clean it every week. Me "You never told me I was going to do it every week so I didnt know" Mom "You never asked" Dad "If you get a job at Sun Sations are you just going to not work because they didnt tell you when?" Me "Umm..usually they give you a schedual.." Dad "Well you have a job here and it is your responsibility as an employee to find out when you work" God I almost couldnt hold the laughter in. employee? Um..you can hardly call me an employee when I just clean my own house. Haha. Ohhh parents. I admit I need money but honestly, whats the point in cleaning a clean house?

Anyways..Im just waiting for ky to be done with practice so I can leave this household of insane clean freaks.

i had a nightmare last night.

I got glasses today. I have the lowest prescription you can get, because I am only border line (far sight). The doc said I didn't have to have glasses if I didn't want, but I need them for driving at least. I picked out some black/brown rectangular ones with the thicker plastic. Very stylin' I'll be. So that's what's new with me. Now I'm just waiting to dye my hair darker again. I love change.

i just got in from hunting at my house. I sat for almost 2 hours and I wasn't seeing anything and I was super bored so I unloaded my gun and got down. Then I decided to put one shell in incase i kicked something up as I walked back. So im walking..and out jumps a big doe, does Kelsey have quick reflexes? nooo she doesnt, so of course I didn't switch the saftey off soon enough and it ran away. Then i heard another one crashing through the woods so I got all ready. Does it come out like the other one did? Of course it doesnt! So I head back home with my head down low. I was bummed. The only time I see them is when im NOT ready. Then I go in and tell my mom what happend, and WHILE I'm telling her she sees 3 deer running across our field. What perfect timing I have. If i would have listened to my dad and stayed out there for a full 2 hours, I would be on the phone with him telling him to come gut my deer instead of writing this down. And now all I have left is this afternoon and tomorrow morning to hunt. Looks like I wont be getting any meat this winter.

Today I went X-mas shopping with my mom, grandma, and Karlee. We ended up getting done early, I found pretty much everything I needed to get for my mom, brother, kyle's dad, and so far i have one thing for kyle. I still have to get somethiing for my dad and kyle's mom. I hate money. I have none so my mom gave me $100 but i have to pay it all back. She is going to let me clean the house for her--$12 an hour instead of having a maid do it for $25. I'll take it. I'm going to apply at Starbucks though, I'm pumped. Karlee we should go together and get apps. I'm a little nervous for my first vball practice on sunday..but it should be fun. Nothing else is new..except Kyle is coming over tonight so we can watch a movie and play apples to apples. god i love that game! I almost done with the series I have been reading. I read the 2nd book yesterday, the 3rd book today, and I just started on the 4th. I just love reading, it lets me take a break from my life and dive into someone els's. Idk how to explain it without sounding wierd. I'v been kind of down lately and I don't know why..but I'm feeling a little better today. I wish it were possible for me to have happiness for more than one day once in awhile. Sometimes i feel like I need a therapist to talk to because I dont have anyone who knows how I feel. Maybe its because I dont tell anyone how i REALLY feel, except kyle, but I know he doesn;t really understand..cuz I am really screwed up, idk. I think it would be nice to have a therapist though, cuz they could tell me WHY i feel the way i do, and what I can do to make it go away maybe? At Jr. Leadershp 2 weeks ago we had 'health day' and one session was with a therapist and she talked about emotions and stress. She said that everyone has 'resiliance' which is like.. something that helps you get back up when you are down, or 'bounce'. We all got bouncy balls. I took a big one because I struggle with acheiving my 'bounce' slash 'resiliance'. I wish it were as easy as it sounds to have resiliance. In a way LJ is like a resiliant thing because I have all my friends to help me out, but that holds me back from writing down most of my real feeling and emotions. I kind of want to get a journal to actually write in, like the kid, Jonah, who I'm reading in my books right now has. I think I'll have to take a trip to wal-mart soon. But I do want to say thanks to all of you who help me when I'm down, I dont know what I would do without you. Sorry for writing so much, you didn't have to read this, I just need to write down me real feelings once in awhile, cuz we all know its hard to hold it in. Happy belated thanksgiving everyone.

So we had tryouts again today. I didn't play as good as I did last week though so I wasn't expecting to make the team. But this coach came up to me and she's like I have to talk to you. First of all let me tell you the details..I tried out for the 17 year old age group with all the other juniors and there is an A and B team. Okay so anyways, She says "I'm Amber Thompson, I'm the coach for the 18 year olds.." She asked ME of all people to move up to the 18 year old group to be their LIBERO! That's what I want to be for mishicot next year but Ms. Risch said katelyn was going to be. BUT this is going to be so helpful because I'm the only one that go moved up to the 18's. I'm still in shoch, I can't believe it. AND we take a trip to HAWAII in february!!! I never thouht in a million years that this would happen, because nothing ever goes right for me! This is beyond what I could ask for, I mean i was expecting to be on the 17 B team or get cut! So we'll see how Ms. Risch sees me now! I'm so happy.

This weekend is going to be busy. Tomorrow right after school I have to go to the Holiday Inn where they are holding Holiday on the Lakeshore. My Grandma is selling her pottery there and I am helping her. Then Saturday I will be getting up extra early to go hunting..I can shoot 4 deer this season, and my dad said one of them will be going to Peter's Pantry which makes me feel nice. I also went through all my clothes and gave some away to one of my dad's employee's neices because her mom can only afford clothes from walmart and she gets made fun of at school. I think thats horrible..who cares what a person wears..clothes are clothes! Anyways..Sunday I have vball tryouts again..and then I should know if I make the team or not by the following sunday i think. I'm so nervous. I need books to read..I will need to take a trip to the library soon..

I just had a total emotional breakdown. I just finished the book "Forever..." that I got from the school library today. It was great but now my eyes are super puffy and bloodshot from crying. It was wierd because more than once i read the words "all cried out" in it. I love reading these books that i can relate to but they always have such incredibly sad endings that I start to think "well what if this happens in my love life?". I cried because of the book but then I started thinking about being away from Kyle when we go to college and I just broke down, it was so bad I had to go in the shower so no one could hear me..i was like hyperventalating. I probably sound so stupid but i love him so much i just cant be away from him, its going to tear my heart apart. It's not that I dont think we will make it without eachother, because I know we can and will. but its that I am so scared to be somewhere without him. Somwehere where I wont know anyone. He is the only person that knows me fully. He knows me better than my parents ever will, better than any friend I have ever had. He is the only thing that makes me feel better 100% and when I am with him I have no other cares and I'm not afraid of anything or to be myself. How am I going to live without him on a daily basis? I dont know what I am going to do, I am so scared. I am most likely going to miad for college. And Kyle..well I dont know what he is going to do..I need help.

So last night I went to Hooters with Kyle, Chris, Calen, Billy, and Justin. Then we were all going to go see Jarhead. So calen and chris get in no prob, then me and kyle go up and the girl cards us (its rated R) so then we tried to go to a different lady but she cards us. Billy and Justin are both 17 so they tried buying 4 tickets but the lady said she couldnt let me and kyle in. By the way--Chris an Calen are YOUNGER than kyle and i. So then we see coach sand (one of kyles fball coaches) he comes over and tells the lady hes kyle's dad and to let us in. She says she needs proof that he is kyle's dad. Such bullshit! I mean honestly, who brings birth certificates and shit to a movie. So..then we decided to just get tickets to zathura and the guys were like hey why dont u and kelsey just meet us in jarhead. But the lady heard and after we bought the zathura tickets she goes "And dont even try to get into jarhead because im going to have security watching you two" and she leaves and goes to stand by the door of that movie. !!! I was irate. So while everyone else is going to see jarhead kyle and i go to see zathura, well we try to and the guy doesnt let us in cuz the one before it isnt over, 5 seconds later people come out and we try and walk in. "Um..you need to wait until we are done cleaning" so we wait 10 minutes and walk in, there was popcorn everyone so i said "yeah sure looks like you cleaned". I was so annoyed and mad at those people I just wanted to kill em. But anyways...i like my cell fone :) and i did good at vball tryouts but i wont know for like a week. Im dreading school tomorrow. Adios.

Oh yes, the moral of the story: Sucks to be short.

Well I'm trying out for the Storm Volleyball team today in Manty. I'm kinda nervous. I wasn't going to try out because of the whole Katelyn thing but..I decided to see if my luck will start turning around? I also concluded that I just want to do this for myself, not Ms. Risch. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. If I dont make it, atleast I can say I tried. Yeah so I have to get going..I'm getting me new cell before tryouts. Later I will post about last night.

Yay things are sort of looking up! I told my mom how my phone charger isnt working anymore so we went to cellcom and she decided to just buy me a new phone as an early xmas present :)!!! I'm so excited because my cell is SO old and outdated. So i am most likely getting this black motorola camera phone yayyyyy! Oh and when we went to cellcom it was on lock down because of the armed guy that stabbed the police officer. So that was a little scary...It feels like nowhere is safe anymore..not even our little town of mishicot!.... Anyways I'm really pumped for MIAD tomrorow..it should be fun. Yeah so ill let everyone know how that goes tomorrow night. Nothing else is really new..except I'm concerned with Kyle..he has to lose 8 pounds by tomorrow for wrestling. Its so unhealthy..hes already so small, I dont know how its possible to lose that much in one day, and from his body test or whatever you call it, he isnt supposed to go down to the weight he is going to wrestle at because its too unhealthy for his body but he cant go higher because then he has to wrestle guys who are alot bigger and taller, i mean they are the same weight but usually they are taller than him and its hard for him. But Its just really hard to watch him not eat anything for a whole week, plus wrestle and STILL try and lose 8 more pounds. :(..

A little while later: I just got off the phone with kyle and he was supposed to come over but he has lost so much energy he cant even drive. He can barely talk..I asked him if hes going to die and he says he doesnt know. I dont know what to do. I just want him to eat. I might go over there an force food down his throat, I dont care about wrestling anymore.

Okay so I get out of school early to go hunting. Get dressed, get my bow, walk out to my stand..i clip my bow onto the rope and climb up the tree with y arrows. I get up there, and pull up my bow but it gets stuck on the tree. On my way back down to go get it off the branch, my sweatshirt smears across a branch full of sap--how convenient. So i get the bow off the branch and pull it up. Then i sit for 2 hours and see nothing. So now its time to leave, too bad i forgot my flashlight. So im about to clip the rope to my bow when the clip comes off and falls to the ground. By now I'm past swearing. So i have to tie the rope to my bow in the dark..let the bow down BUT OF COURSE it gets stuck on another branch. So i toss my arrows down, shove my release in my pocket and climb down. While Im climbing down can you guess whats next? The bow falls of the branch and onto the ground! yay! :(. So i untie the rope which takes like 5 minutes since it way darker by now..and i walk of the woods. When I'm half way to my house I check my pocket. My release is gone. So yeah its sitting somewhere in the woods..just great. I better find it tomorrow or I'm dead. so that was my perfect night, it was so complimenting to my night yesterday.

Oh and I came inside and on the table were the stupid awards I got from volleyball and my dad left a note on them saying "congrats keltch, im proud of you, dad" which makes me sad because they dont even know what happened last night..

I had an awards banquet tonight for volleyball. Usually when you get called up Ms. Risch says something about you, well not everyone. To the point-- Katelyn Gossen got called up. Ms. Risch said that she would probly be her libro next year and do a good job at it. I almost couldn't hold in the tears. I have been working for that spot ALL year. Katelyn plays weak side, and i play middle. I don't understand...I truly don't. I have never felt so rejected. Especially in front of my team, coaches, and a gym packed full of students and parents. When i it was over I couldn't hold it in, I told Kelly that I wasnt going to try out next year and started crying in her arms and it was such a mess. I felt so stupid, I could not hold the tears in for the life of me. Vb meant SO much to me..and now I will probly never play again. Anyways I talked/cried with Kelly and then I asked her to find Kyle so I wouldnt have to turn around and let everyone see my crying. So she found him and we walked out the back door so no one could see me. Then we got in my car which we parked at Joey's (thanks Joe) and I cried so hard..all the way to his house..I cried when we got there..when we layed on the couch..when he comforted me..while I watched Laguna Beach..while i drove home..when i got home..now...I'm starting to feel like my LJ username is not serving its purpose. Nothing ever goes right for me..ever. I swear its endless, one thing after a fuckin nother. Im so sick of it..I dont know what to do..

Well yesterday I went to Kyle's house and watched the choppers circle around Avery's house, and they came over Kyle's house too. At first we didnt know what was going on but then we figured they were looking for the missing girl..cuz it wasnt on the news at all..So we took Kyle's 4wheeler and got as close as we could and saw all the popo's sitting in Avery's driveway and stuff. I guess they found her car but it was smashed up--didnt say that in the paper.

Well yesterday I got out of school to watch state volleyball at the resch center..it was fun. Then i went bowling with tay, ky, and some other guys, tay got a 119 the first game which beat everyone lol. but then she sucked it up the rest of the night lol. Then we went to mcd's..and on the way home from tr i saw my old friend adam strothers in the car next to us so i beeped. Then Kyle and his cousin Tyler came over to play resident evil 4 on ps2. Yes so that was my friday..and today i dont know what i am doing.ooh i need to go check the newspaper bcuz some lady yesterday interviewed kyle and ryan at the dodgeball thing that i missed :( If anyone is bored..please call me :)

Saturday was great. Sorry I didnt call you Pat..but I ended up going to the Reif's party. It was insane. 100+ people in one tiny house. That was the most fun I have had in a long time. Thanks Karissa, for being my babysitter when Kyle was gone :) , I love ya!!

I went trick or treating tonight in manty..in the dark!. I was excited, I have never gone trick or treating in the dark before. yay for free candy from strangers. yum. Yes Joey...I'll bring you some candy.. :)

Last night Kyle pulled over 2 people with his truck. He and some guys used light-up push pops that were blue and red to make it look like a cop car. Who knew people would have fell for that? It's rather illegal but I guess the people they pulled over were drunk. I thought it was funny. Hmm nothin else is new except that we won our game last night and now were on to sectionals.

I miss Vicky,
I miss hanging out with Pat and Joey,
and Karissa and Katelyn.
I miss having time to myself..

I cant even do anything on a Saturday..I have 11 o'clock practice until 12 because we have a game tonight in kewaunee against wrightstown and then we have team bonding after practice and then supper at julies so i have no time for anything today :( and to those who think I shouldnt go cuz i dont want to, i cant. and now i cant even write my feelings down because my parents are making me clean.

Lately I have had a reading craze. I have read 3 books in the past week, now starting on my 4th, I am proud of myself. I love reading..and as wierd as it sounds, I like books that make me cry. I have also been drawing alot..I need some good compositions for my portfolio..Nov. 12 isnt that far away...

I wish Volleyball Regionals werent this week..I suppose I will be showing up at the TR show fashionably late. It should be a nice time, music+coffee <3. KARLEE, if you get this before Friday, you should come with me to the show..well I dont know how you would get there tho..since its in Tr..oh well.

All else is well, except that im not doing too good in Algebra, die Johnson. Oh and my roses are drooping :(
Also, once im done with Vball, I MUST start looking for a job and stop living off my parents!

god idk whats up with me lately, i just dont have time to update anymore..it makes me so sad. Well..vbll is almost over and then i can have my life back..yay! Last night Kyle came to my house and gave me 24 pink roses..oh i love him. Then we went to eat at jade palace and came home and watched amittyville horror. I dont want to go to school tomorrow..like homework isnt a problem but i just wish we had more time off..I need to get a new book though, i finished 'Things Change' in 3 days. I woke up this morning and read it until i finished and it was so emo..i cried alot. If anyone recommends any other books please let me know...Ooh and im making an awesome emo self potrait in drawing right now...i cant wait to finish it. I'm drawing alot lately..ill need it for Portfolio day for MIAD. I really wanna go there...